**OFFICIAL FINAL VERSION ** (NOT a satire!) - Jim Hargrove

[echelon]

Lazy me - just copied from DPF - but excellent and well worth a re-post.  Imagine, if you will, what follows being read by Dan Rather wearing his best "you can trust me, America" po-face.

Is this Jim Hargrove a member here?  Either way, thanks Jim for giving me an enormous chuckle!


GOVERNMENT PRINTING OFFICE -- OFFICIAL FINAL VERSION OF
THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY: NOVEMBER 22, 1963.

(v. 013.012.27.6231456)

President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas, on November 22, 1963 by Lee Harvey Oswald, an ex-U.S. Marine Communist who lived simultaneously in the Soviet Union and the United States from 1959 to 1962. Oswald was NOT a U.S. agent! He was born in New Orleans and in Eastern Europe and possibly elsewhere on October 18 or 19, 1939, and at several other times. He had a disturbed youth, principally because his mother often forgot the name of his father as well as the various days her disturbed child was born. Adding to his confusion were frequent changes in his mother's height, from 5'1" to 5'7" and back again. Oswald simultaneously attended Beauregard Junior High School in New Orleans and Public School #44 in New York City during the fall of 1953.

Oswald was given the intensive training usually afforded young Communists by the U.S. Marine Corps, performing such vigorous tasks as simultaneously attending Radar School in Biloxi, Mississippi and Aviation Electronics School in Memphis, Tennessee. Oswald, who was NOT a U.S. agent, fired three shots from a Mannlicher-Carcano rifle from a "sniper's nest" near the Coke machine in the second floor lunch room of the Texas School Book Depository in Dallas. A window overlooking Elm St was immediately removed by a group of maladjusted writers known as the "TSBD Window Critics." These critics were unable to accept the fact that an insignificant loner could assassinate the leader of the Free World.

One of Oswald's three shots entered the President's head near the bottom, and also four inches higher, and exited above the right ear, which was near the front of President Kennedy's head. (For technical details, see 'All the President's Ears" by Seymour Hersh.) A second shot entered the base of the President's neck, and also several inches lower in his back, exited an entrance wound in his throat, struck Governor Connally's back, broke a rib bone, exited his chest, broke two bones in his right wrist, became embedded in thigh bone, and finally fell out onto the gurney of a little boy in Parkland Memorial Hospital. The bullet was ENORMOUSLY slightly DAMAGED! And it was ENORMOUSLY slightly FLATTENED, even in the Warren Commission version!

A third bullet missed entirely, striking a tree limb which separated the jacket from the lead core, and the core traveled on to strike pavement near James Tague, a motorcade bystander who was slightly wounded by concrete splatter. (We really are a little uneasy with this explanation, but we're trying to boost flagging interest in Gerald Posner.)

Another third bullet hit the turf along the south side of Elm St near a manhole cover. A third third bullet hit the pavement on Elm Street just to the right and behind the Presidential limousine near the Book Depository.

A fourth third bullet grew in size and then evaporated while in FBI evidence envelope 89-43-1A-122. (For technical details, see "Growth and evaporation of full metal jacketed bullets in Southern U.S. climates" by Luis Alvarez and also "Urinary Tricks and Evidence Envelopes" by Dr. John Lattimer.) Americans with paranoid tendencies are cautioned to "trust the experts" on this one!

Although the physical evidence connecting Oswald with the assassination kind of sucks, consider this: Oswald immediately fled the scene by taking a bus going toward the scene of the crime, got off and then rushed to the bus depot where he tried to give away his getaway cab to the first lady who asked, proof positive that he was deranged enough to have committed the Crime of the Century. Critics who think otherwise obviously cannot accept the well-known fact that even petty "losers" can assassinate VIPs.

At 1:16 PM, Oswald shot Dallas policeman J.D. Tippit, dropped his wallet, and then rushed the eight blocks to the Texas Theatre, and we mean RUSHED, where he bought popcorn minutes before killing Tippit and then entered the building without paying 20 minutes later. Aware that murderers are known to draw attention to themselves by entering theaters without first purchasing tickets, at least 15 Dallas police officers rushed to the Texas Theatre, where they arrested Oswald on the balcony and on the main floor.

Oswald, who was NOT a U.S. agent, was interrogated for hours at Dallas Police Headquarters, but recording equipment from the "Recording Room" was already being used to document a pre-confession practice session for Jean "Public Enemy #1" Hill. Surrounded by Dallas policemen, Oswald, who was NOT a U.S. agent, was shot and killed at 11:20 AM on November 24 by Jack Ruby (Jacob Rubenstein), who formerly ran guns to Cuba totally unnoticed by the CIA or any branch of the U.S. Military.

This Final Version of the GPO report on the assassination of JFK supersedes all other Final Versions and future amendments are hereby incorporated into this Final Version. (Oswald was NOT a U.S. agent!!)

ADDENDUM:

OFFICIAL GPO CORRECTION: THE**OFFICIAL**FINAL VERSION OF THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY

IMPORTANT CORRECTION:

Due to a harmless printing error, several of the third shots taken by non-U.S. agent Lee Harvey Oswald were mislabeled in the previous FINAL VERSION of this report. For clarification, here is the correct sequence of third shots:

The shot that wounded Tague was the FIRST third bullet.

The bullet that hit the grass along the south side of Elm St. near the manhole cover was the SECOND third bullet.

The bullet that hit the pavement on Elm Street just to the right and behind the Presidential limousine as it passed the Book Depository was the THIRD third bullet.

The bullet that grew in and then evaporated from FBI evidence envelope 89-43-1A-122 was the FOURTH third bullet.

This case is now OFFICIALLY CLOSED! Anyone who thinks otherwise is obviously mentally ill, unable to comprehend that even insignificant loners can assassinate important people! Sheesh!

# # # #

https://deeppoliticsforum.com/forums/showthread.php?12855-**OFFICIAL-FINAL-VERSION-**-

[Alan Dale]

^ Well....


Thank GOD that's finally settled. That is pretty much the way I had it figured all along.

Thanks for clearing it up.

[Phil Dragoo]

Odio stated Lee later telephoned to say words to effect, "How did you like our friend Jim HARGROVE?  He says Cubans don't have the courage and if he has to he'll be the first to try the new McDonald's fries with less fat."

"Jim Hargrove" can be found at http://harveyandlee.net/

We bought a copy of Harvey and Lee and everything this "Hargrove" says is true--for being an NGO (non-governmental operative) this "Oswald" could certainly be in multiple places at the same time.

He could make himself invisible--viz. Barry Ernest, The Girl on the Stairs

He had somehow obtained a MIRVing weapon not available on earth battlefield's until 2035 enabling a single round to inflict seven wounds then journey on to a basement gurney unassociated with the case--yet still elude identification by any of the four men alleged to have handled the projectile.

A master hacker, Ozzie was able to sit in the lunchroom with game controller and operate a sophisticated remote control Jackal Fireball 2000 installed behind the Dunkelglass corner enclosure with devastating results

To this day he has crossed over repeatedly to invoke national security and techniques-and-methods exceptions to thwart FOIA suits

His prodigious legacy lives on--today on eBay his revolver-automatic handgun drew a staggering 100K bid--a revolutionary universal ammo concept later lampooned in Back to the Future with the Professor's Mr. Fusion

Put in any facts you may have in your cupboard, turn it to Investigate and hey-presto Lone Gunman Cocktail

Best straight up with a Simple Twist of Fate

[Alan Dale]

^ :-)

[Fast Eddie]

Things I guess I've missed alluded to in this non-satire:

Apparent measurement of Marguerite Oswald's height(s).  John Armstrong hones in on the two different Marguerites but I don't remember the height measurement.

The gurney was that of a little boy.

A struck-by-bullet tree limb.

Recording equipment being used/set up for use to interview Jean Hill.

Are these indeed documented facts?